realizations last night someone very amazing to me said this:

“yeah, I trust very few people but the people I do trust, I trust deep like family sometimes deeper”

and then i got to thinking about that really heavily and this is what i said:

so i was thinking about something you said last night about how the people you trust you trust like family and stuff and then i got to thinking and realized it was super sad because i don’t trust my family for the most part and I’m not even close to most of them which is sad but that’s how it is and i dunno if I’d change it honestly i would with my dads side its so weird though cause like that side is super loving when they see you hugs and i love yous and we rarely see them but its kind of weird to me cause the other side which i see a lot is like no touchy kind of thing and dirty jokes and just all around negativity and its i dunno i just think its sad in some cases i trust people who I’m not even that close to more than I’d trust family. i don’t enjoy being around my moms side of the family if anyone it’d be around my cousin Heidi and her son marcell i wish we saw my dads side more but we don’t and i dunno i just am not close to my family i mean i guess to some degree i am to my immediate family not really my bro though which is to be expected but i dunno its just weird and sad another thing that is sad is that when family members have died i wasn’t affected by it at all i feel kinda douchey sometimes for that but i wasn’t close to them i don’t know them so i can’t be upset I’m just not close to my family and it really is sad but at the same time i am not really sure i want to be cause i really am not fond of the people they are. that’s horrible but true. *sigh* it is what it is i guess I’m just grateful for amazing friends who are more family to me than even my family is.

so there we have it. again it just i dunno like i went to a baby shower today it was my dads side of the family my cousin by marriage is pregnant and she had her shower today and then i thought about this stuff more and more cause you just see how close she is with everyone else and how “love you”‘s are spread around and you can tell how loving she really is and i wish that it was like that and i wish that we saw them more i mean my cousins (they are way older than me) have had kids and I’ve only seen the kids like 3 or 4 times and they are like 10 at the oldest now and it just is sad missing all that. and having that closeness that we don’t have but ugh i dunno.

anyway at the baby shower i won a prize i won a spa gift certificate which is super weird cause I’ve never won anything. but yeah and the presents we made were much loved and ooed and awed over it was good stuff.

i dunno what else i want to say so i will give up right now and go to bed.

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