personal

Grief

Grief it’s one of those words that you don’t think about much. when something happens to other people you would say “oh i know how you feel” or “i know what you’re going through, sorry for your loss.” you can be sad for people but really do you know what it feels like? i’ve experienced losses but the deaths i experienced weren’t really close to me i guess you could say, though some did happen as i got older but it was more of a “i’m detached from this” kind of situation.

back in october that’s when it all went south….

our dog had been super sick, she would have reverse sneezing, would have snot coming out at any time and sometimes she was miserable, not that often though. she was doing alright. until one point where she had a couple really bad nosebleeds. we were so scared we’d lose her.  after sometime the vet said she was okay. but two days later she had some bad nosebleeds again. we got it to stop a little and it was as okay as it could have been til the next morning. the next morning i went on an errand and came back to blood everywhere, my parents rushing around trying to get her to the car. but she wouldn’t move and she was basically lifeless. it was so fast and so traumatic and so depressing. should i have gone to the vet? should i have stayed with her?  those questions still pop in my mind.  when i saw her next she was unconscious on pain meds and we had to put her down. she lost most of her volume of blood in her body in such a short period of time. and there just wasn’t anything that could be done. so we cried and cried and cried some more. and we put her down to end her suffering. we stayed with her and literally it was the hardest thing i’ve done. she was gone really quick. but that hole is still very deep and very raw. it was the worst and hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with. they were very positive that she had a tumor in her nasal passage. and there wasn’t anything to be done. it is hard and that’s all i can say. the pain inside is still so very present and you would think “sure october is a long time” well its still fresh and it still makes me cry, not daily anymore but its still way too hard to deal with.

its very hard to process, especially when you are so used to having that sweet girl greet you at the door, or making sure you don’t trip over her in the hallway. you glance and think that you see her, or think you hear her and shes just not there. and its devastating.

one event of grief is enough to last a while.  yet that’s not how life goes. my grandpa hadn’t been doing well for a long time. in the beginning of october he had to be in the hospital as he was doing REALLY bad. and at one point they weren’t sure he would come out. he did fight and made it home. but it was in hospice care. so we all knew it was only a matter of time. some of the comments my mom said that he had said were very heart breaking. personally i couldn’t go see him like that. he wasn’t himself and he looked horrible and i didn’t want to see a dying man and have that in my eternal memory. after what i went through with the blood and the lifeless dog body in my brain i didn’t feel i needed to see a dying man. and i was and am still confident in my decision. it was just WAY too much for me. he passed two weeks after our dog.

now i wasn’t really super close to my grandparents, it’s just not how my family is. but i was very sad, and still am. the funeral i was doing so good until that casket came out. it was almost like “is this real life?” we are all making it. its still something you cry about though.

those two situations are still present and they still come up. my neighbors dog who we watch sometimes isn’t doing well so there is that reminder. and then my other neighbors grandma just passed two days ago. on my neighbors birthday. Grief is just ever present in this season of life.

i just wish things were easier right now.  one interesting thing though. my grandpa died on the same date that his mother and aunt died 24 years earlier.

just trying to grasp the good moments and times right now. and trying to get past the pain.

 

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